Thursday, November 30, 2006

Money For Nothing!



Oh what a tease! Earlier this year it was widely reported that ‘top GPs’ could earn up to £250,000’. Dr Informed is widely renowned as a top GP, so he was more than justified in anticipating a few extra pennies in recognition of his all round ‘good-eggness’, especially as he has been victorious for the past two years running in the local BMA division’s stroke play golf competition.

You can therefore imagine that it has come as something of a shock to find out from the BBC that this year he will only get £106,000. He wishes he’d known this before he’d let Mrs Informed run amuck in the local Range Rover dealership, and wishes that the BBC would think before simply regurgitation any old figures that it gets told.

If one looks at this figure for the ‘average GP’, it translates to roughly £50 per registered patient per year before tax, a figure your private dentist must be going green with envy over. Not only that, but working only 45 hours per week before admin and paperwork leaves the majority of one’s time free to play golf*. The charmed life doesn’t finish there, as us GPs also have the added benefit of running and administrating our own businesses, paying our own staff and often having large mortgages on our premises. We also have the great comfort of knowing that the government can effectively gift our business to large foreign ‘Healthcare’ companies any time it so chooses.

So, when one looks at it objectively, £106,000 pounds is really still an obscene amount of money. Even Dr Informed doesn’t think that his 6 years of university, three degrees, 6 years in hospitals doing 100 hour weeks and a decade or so of looking after a few thousand people makes him worth in a year what most Chelsea Footballers earn in a fortnight. Neither does he consider himself the equal of ‘management consultants’ because it takes a special type of person to do that job when they could actually be running their own successful business, as opposed to helping organisations like the NHS in such a selfless and highly valuable way.

I want my, I want my, I want my MTV......


*Assuming that sleep and family are optional.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Dr Google - 1 Dr Informed - 0



Hats off to Google. You may have seen the recent revelation in the press that doctors are using Google to help make diagnoses. Dr Informed has been using Google for years, and finds it a particularly useful tool for explaining to patients what is wrong with them with the aid of pretty pictures from a Google images search.

Today Dr Informed diagnosed a common condition called molluscum contagiosum in a 7 year old boy, and whilst reasurring 'mum' about the innocent nature of this common viral 'wart like' condition, he thought that pictures would help.

Unfortunately, when molluscum contagiosum was entered into Google's image search bar, some pictures of various parts of the anatomy that can be considered rather inapropriate for 7 year olds were displayed. Thankfully the young chap's mother found it as amusing as Dr Informed. The young chap remained blisfully ignorant of what was going on.

Lessons have been learnt. The GMC gestapo are mobilising. The Daily Mail is going apoplectic with righteous moral outrage as we speak.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Dr Informed at the Movies



“The NHS, and with it the future of New Labour is under threat – and one woman has 24 hours to save it.”

Nightmare on NHS street (18 cert 125 minutes)

Michael Winner makes a triumphant return to form with this ‘driller-killer-slasher’ adaptation of a Michael Barrymore political thriller screenplay. The Secretary of State for Health, Patsy Fuckwit (portrayed by a gritty Kylie Minogue), is faced with the unenviable task of simultaneously battling the Forces of Conservatism, and the Medical Profession led by Dr Harold Boatman (Alan Rickman- below) whilst trying to stop he New Labour Project from becoming derailed.

The evil doctors do everything in their dastardly power to obstruct Patsy’s reforms, putting choice and patient safety in serious peril. We see them callously murdering patients and not washing their hands.

The love interest is provided by Prof Liam Doughnutson (played by Jim Davidson- below) who is torn between Patsy, and Dame Janet Smith (Bella Emberg) in a bizarre and psychologically disturbing love triangle. Eventually love and justice prevail, but not before much doctor bashing.

The laughs are provided by a charming cameo appearance by John Prescott, playing with himself, who eventually realises that Patsy is not that kind of Secretary, with hilarious results.

This film really is a must see, and with Cannes and the Oscars just around the corner, the critics are already predicting that it will be this year’s runaway success.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Gerrymandering and the Pacemaker Clinics



Dr Informed would like to introduce you to the late Elbridge Gerry (above), a trailblazing pioneer of electoral fraud, whose actions spawned a new word; ‘Gerrrymandering’. This simple concept involves redrawing the boundaries on electoral districts to favour the people or party doing the ‘redrawing’.

Now, never let it be said that Britain, as the oldest parliamentary democracy in the world, plays second fiddle to the Americans when it comes to ‘new ideas in democratic experimentation’; we can be justly proud of our own Dame Shirley Porter. However, it appears that we can also include our current Government in this illustrious list. What is even more impressive is that they have eschewed the concept of simply redrawing maps or bribing voters, and are actively ‘managing’ the resources of the NHS in order to favour people who vote Labour, who by definition must be worthy souls – not like those nasty old Tory voting voluntary workers down at the WRVS. Dr Informed stands in bewildered awe at the brazen genius of it all, and the manner in which it firmly drives a wedge the size of John Prescott’s arse between the concepts of ‘what is RIGHT’, and ‘what is LEGAL’. In other words, there is nothing that anyone can do about it.

As regular readers will know, Dr Informed is quick to forgive the occasional blunder or one off transgression, but even his forgiving eyes have spotted what can only be described as a ‘trend’. One suspects that ‘old Labour’ would have simply sought to promote equality by impoverishing the middle classes, in this case by shutting their hospitals. However, the ultra-sophisticated New Labour also showers it’s voters with new PFI hospitals - a good old fashioned bribe if ever there was one!

So who is the modern day heir to Elbridge Gerry’s dubious throne? It would appear we have two: Patsy Fuckwit The ‘Rt Hon’ Patricia Hewitt and Rosie Winterton MP (Junior Health Minister), who is incidentally also a surprise new entry at number 5 on my ‘Top Establishment Heroes'® list.

Now Dr Informed is all for spending money on Health where the need exists, but it’s the nature of the people defining the need in this case that makes the whole sorry state of affairs smell like John Prescott’s arse.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The 'Auntie' strikes back




Dear oh dear! It's not been a good week for health journalists over at the dear old 'Auntie Beeb'. Not content with accusing Wolverhampton eye specialists of abandoning their patients to jet off to Las Vegas for a jolly at the tax payer's expense (a story inelegantly back-tracked from during the day in piecemeal fashion), they have now been duped into doing advertising work for a formula baby feed manufacturer - as chronicled so adeptly by the incomparable Dr Crippen.

It obviously didn't occur to anyone that the 'press release' from Act Against Allergy that they swallowed hook, line and sinker was meerly a thinly veiled advertising stunt for the manufacturers of a very expensive formula feed that is prescribable on the NHS.

This story even appeared on BBC Breakfast television news, much to Dr Informed's disbelief, as it prompted Mrs Informed to accuse her husband of 'misdiagnosing' their youngest child who ' in retrospect was obviously allergic to cow's milk'. This makes the man very angry indeed!

Dr Informed is a staunch supporter of the BBC normally, but descending to Daily Mail standards of journalistic integrity and rigor is not the way to justify the latest licence fee increase is it?

How To Get Ahead In Advertising


Dr Informed is somewhat perplexed. Despite his usual aversion to hyperbole and 'stirring', he feels compelled to share with you that this morning's BBC News has left him a bit miffed.

Even Dr Informed, as a respected and influential stabilising influence against some of the more anarchic medical opinion that has become so prevalent, regards this concept as simply Joined Up Twattery on a grand scale.

He is also not relishing the prospect of having to field calls from 'hospital reps' as well as 'drug reps'. At least the latter pay for the occasional educational course or meal for the good doctor, and keep his surgery supplied with biros and post it notes. One suspects that NHS bodies will be rather more 'parsimonious with the incentives'.

It also seems a rather bizarre way for NHS trusts to spend money, when across the country hospitals are tightening their belts.

Despite not having any formal qualifications in 'media studies', 'management science' or 'health economics', Dr informed has already been able to deduce the location of the hospitals in his area, as have most of his patients. He also plays Golf with most of the specialists to whom he refers patients, therefore the likelihood of this advertising enlightening him, or influencing his referrals is vanishingly small.

However, Dr Informed does not go so far as to suggest that this advertising concept is part of a wider objective to neatly carve up the NHS turkey ready for the private sector to tuck in to. This does not equate to the type of 'grooming for privatisation' predicted by Professor Allyson Pollock in her book 'NHS plc', which was widely considered to be trouble-making of the highest order. She is however a rather attractive lady as you can see........

Friday, November 17, 2006

How to get the best from your GP:



Ever the altruist, Dr Informed has yielded to the constant demands from his adoring readers to help them get the most from the services offered by the NHS and their GPs. Here he presents valuable nuggets of wisdom, that have been collected during his long career of dedicated service to his patients:

1) Always bring a copy of the Daily Mail with you when you visit your GP. It is unlikely that he would have had the time to catch up on all the recent advances in medicine, and this way he can read all about the new ‘miracle weight loss pill’ before he prescribes it for you.

2) Always read the Daily Mail. That way, you’ll know before your doctor that one of the pills you’ve been taking for years, or that latest ‘miracle weight loss pill’ the Daily Mail told you to ask your doctor to put you on last week, is probably going to make you die in the near future.

3) You can impress your GP with your stoicism by complaining bitterly about your angina, get an ECG, physical exam and BP done and then explain that you're not taking any of your anti-anginal medication because you "don't like taking too many tablets”.

4) I can’t stress that last point more forcefully – It is absolutely essential to become indignant when prescribed anything. Some people love taking pills, but you must tell your GP that you’re not one of them, especially if the condition in question is likely to shorten your life significantly, but can be treated easily with few side effects.

5) You will generally find that wearing sunglasses and a neck collar will elicit extra sympathy from the doctor. Don't forget to mention the words "total-body candidiasis", "fibromyalgia" and "borderline personality disorder" at least once in every consultation.

6) If you ask your doctor the same question enough times, he will eventually realise that you want a different answer, not the same one you've already had 6 times.

7) If your child has a raging temperature, don't give it any calpol as the GP loves nothing more than a miserable screaming child who vomits on their carpet. Also, not spending money on luxuries like calpol leaves more for daily essentials like fags, white lightening and KFC.

8) Morbidly obese people: Don’t waste time in consultations by telling your GP that you ‘eat hardly anything’ and that ‘it’s your glands’ – he already knows this.

9) Ignore all letters inviting you to chronic disease review assessments, then complain when your chronic condition has gone pear-shaped because its obviously yours GP's fault. After all, you are not responsible for your own health – your GP is.

10) Know your RIGHTS! After all, your taxes pay your GP’s wages, and you will find that reminding your GP of this will invariably increase the respect he has for you, and mean that you will be attended to immediately. This especially applies if you are trying to get your ‘long term sick leave’ signed off.

11) Antibiotics DO work for viruses, and anyone suggesting otherwise in wrong. Don’t leave the surgery without your antibiotics. You know that the last time you had antibiotics your cold cleared up, and that the fact the time before it cleared up on its own without antibiotics is just coincidence.

12) When discussing medicines with any doctor, it is most important not to reveal either the trade or generic name of anything you have been prescribed or are allergic to, as this will stop them from being ‘on their toes’. Only refer to your tablets by their colour (e.g. ‘Those white ones doc’). However, do feel free to use other basic descriptive terms such ‘big’ or ‘small’. This will make the consultation go much more smoothly, and dramatically reduce the probability of a dangerous prescribing error, that could seriously harm you, occurring.

13) Remember that your GP is there for YOU, and that you are not just one of 2000 or so people he looks after. He should be able to diagnose life threatening conditions accurately and immediately, and should understand exactly what you mean, even if it is not what you actually said. It’s perfectly OK to get angry and physically aggressive – being you is a tough job, and your GP will understand this.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Viva Las Vegas!



Well done to the BBC Midlands journalist who has uncovered this disgusting state of affairs. Apparently, eight eye specialist doctors from the 'debt-ridden' Wolverhampton Eye Infirmary have gone to Las Vegas of all places, and some clinics and operations have been cancelled. What heartless bastards! The BBC regional news managed to underline just how immoral this is by showing library footage of someone in the West Midlands who couldn't see properly (although that had nothing to do with ophthalmic surgery).

The reporter has also revealed that the trip was 'all expenses' paid. The fact that all but £2000 pounds of these expenses were paid by the doctors themselves and outside sponsorship is just being 'all technical'. Apparently, the conference they are attending was booked a year ago, and will be attended by the up to 5,000 top eye specialists from around the world. It is reasonable to assume that these freeloaders will be sharing with each other all the latest research and techniques known to science, indeed one of the Wolverhampton doctors will be making a major presentation of research carried out in their hospital.

The news watching public sat aghast as they were shown the website for the conference hosted by the ridiculously pompously titled ‘American Academy of Ophthalmology’, and they saw the list of activities that Las Vegas offers the traveller. Heaven forbid the doctors might actually have a bit of spare time in the evening. How dare they enjoy themselves when there are still people back at home who can’t see properly? Dr Informed can’t put his own hair down unless he is happy that every single one of his patients is healthy, and safely tucked up in bed at night.

It is fortunate that the journalist in question did not reveal that doctors have a quota of 'study leave' that they are expected to take, each year in order to keep themselves up to date for the benefit of their patients, because that might have engendered some sympathy for these heartless leeches on the NHS. I also applaud the way in which a local public-service union representative was given the chance to be angry about it all on camera, as this added extra balance to the piece.

Dr Informed finds that the concept of doctors engaging in cutting edge research and the world scientific community leaves him 'All Shook Up', especially if it involves a cost of £2000 to a well managed and funded hospital that is debt-ridden because doctors have been spending some of the money on patients. However, a week without clinic and operating should save the trust a bit of cash, so there's a faint light at the end of this particularly long, dark tunnel.

Thangyamuch. Dr Informed has left the building.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Raise the Drawbridge!



Dr Informed is pleased, nay delighted, to Welcome Dr Richard Taylor MP back into the establishment fold. He is also a suprise new entry at No. 4 in my 'top five establishment heroes'. Dr Taylor is considered by some to be the archetypal boat rocker and 'democra-doc' since he won the previously safe Labour seat of Kidderminster in 2000 standing as an independent candidate. He set new standards in throwing toys out of the pram when it was decided that the hospital he used to work in should close, and as a result cost a hard working career politician his job. Even worse than that, he spawned a new generation of trouble making doctor at the last election, including some whipper-snapper in Cheltenham.

However, he's starting to make amends for the disgraceful example he's set. As Dr Informed has already revealed, the tranquil town of Bedford is faced with a similarly unsavoury political scrap at the next election as Kidderminster suffered. Dr Barry Monk, a previously mild mannered consultant dermatologist, is orchestrating as campaign to unseat the fine incumbent New Labour foot soldier in protest at the reconfiguration of the local hospital.

In a recent interview with the local paper, Dr Taylor is advocating that our Barry desists from his political dabblings and recommends that he works with his 'excellent' constituency MP (who has obvious already had such influence on the plans for the hospital). Bravo Dr Taylor!

Dr Informed would like to publicly castigate those uncharitable commentators within the profession who have diagnosed Dr Taylor's actions as 'Drawbridge Syndrome' with the aim of preventing his 'achievement' becoming emulated. This is piffle, as is the theory that Dr Taylor may have been offered a 'favour' for Kidderminster if he stays out of spotlight. Dr Taylor has merely and belatedly seen the error of his ways, and is seeking to smooth the path of the absolutely necessary reorganisation of the reconfiguration of the reform of the restructuring of the NHS that is currently happening.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I don't Believe it!!



Dr Informed feels compelled to refute any suggestions that the Private Healthcare Sector is no better than the NHS. This is scandalous and dangerous nonsense, and exactly the kind of Trotskyite propagandist rubbish the Grauniad comes out with. In fact Dr Informed is off to wash his eyeballs in vinegar after being forced to read an article printed in it.

Everyone knows that the private sector is better than the NHS. Why else would our wonderful 'elected' representatives and marvellous civil servants be shutting down your local hospital? Think about it for a second. Not only is private always better, but the curtains have been proven not to clash with the wallpaper in over 97% of private hospital rooms in England. Now that's impressive.

Not only that, the local private hospital has a box at the local premiership rugby club and Dr Informed, as a prolific source of private referrals is always welcome at home games.

Off to the sin bin with John 'Pravda' Carvel.......

NICE to see you, to see you.......

NICE



Praise the lord for the National Institute for Clinical Excellence, or NICE to give it it's oh so suitable acronym. Not to be confused with the New Cycling Enthusiasts, although its an easy mistake to make.

Now, some trouble makers out there with their 'famous for 15 minute' diseases are calling it the National Institute for Curbing Expenditure, and this upsets Dr Informed. If NICE didn't issue forth their highly rigorous and just decisions, and take months and months over it, the PCTs wouldn't find it so easy to place arbitary blanket bans on doctors prescribing expensive drugs for their ill patients. If any one kicks up a stink, it is easy for them to be beaten down with the 'mighty stick of evidence. It also allows Dr informed to give his brain a rest. Having to keep up to date with all these super new medicines would take its toll on his golf handicap......

FORE!