Ever the altruist, Dr Informed has yielded to the constant demands from his adoring readers to help them get the most from the services offered by the NHS and their GPs. Here he presents valuable nuggets of wisdom, that have been collected during his long career of dedicated service to his patients:
1) Always bring a copy of the Daily Mail with you when you visit your GP. It is unlikely that he would have had the time to catch up on all the recent advances in medicine, and this way he can read all about the new ‘miracle weight loss pill’ before he prescribes it for you.
2) Always read the Daily Mail. That way, you’ll know before your doctor that one of the pills you’ve been taking for years, or that latest ‘miracle weight loss pill’ the Daily Mail told you to ask your doctor to put you on last week, is probably going to make you die in the near future.
3) You can impress your GP with your stoicism by complaining bitterly about your angina, get an ECG, physical exam and BP done and then explain that you're not taking any of your anti-anginal medication because you "don't like taking too many tablets”.
4) I can’t stress that last point more forcefully – It is absolutely essential to become indignant when prescribed anything. Some people love taking pills, but you must tell your GP that you’re not one of them, especially if the condition in question is likely to shorten your life significantly, but can be treated easily with few side effects.
5) You will generally find that wearing sunglasses and a neck collar will elicit extra sympathy from the doctor. Don't forget to mention the words "total-body candidiasis", "fibromyalgia" and "borderline personality disorder" at least once in every consultation.
6) If you ask your doctor the same question enough times, he will eventually realise that you want a different answer, not the same one you've already had 6 times.
7) If your child has a raging temperature, don't give it any calpol as the GP loves nothing more than a miserable screaming child who vomits on their carpet. Also, not spending money on luxuries like calpol leaves more for daily essentials like fags, white lightening and KFC.
8) Morbidly obese people: Don’t waste time in consultations by telling your GP that you ‘eat hardly anything’ and that ‘it’s your glands’ – he already knows this.
9) Ignore all letters inviting you to chronic disease review assessments, then complain when your chronic condition has gone pear-shaped because its obviously yours GP's fault. After all, you are not responsible for your own health – your GP is.
10) Know your RIGHTS! After all, your taxes pay your GP’s wages, and you will find that reminding your GP of this will invariably increase the respect he has for you, and mean that you will be attended to immediately. This especially applies if you are trying to get your ‘long term sick leave’ signed off.
11) Antibiotics DO work for viruses, and anyone suggesting otherwise in wrong. Don’t leave the surgery without your antibiotics. You know that the last time you had antibiotics your cold cleared up, and that the fact the time before it cleared up on its own without antibiotics is just coincidence.
12) When discussing medicines with any doctor, it is most important not to reveal either the trade or generic name of anything you have been prescribed or are allergic to, as this will stop them from being ‘on their toes’. Only refer to your tablets by their colour (e.g. ‘Those white ones doc’). However, do feel free to use other basic descriptive terms such ‘big’ or ‘small’. This will make the consultation go much more smoothly, and dramatically reduce the probability of a dangerous prescribing error, that could seriously harm you, occurring.
13) Remember that your GP is there for YOU, and that you are not just one of 2000 or so people he looks after. He should be able to diagnose life threatening conditions accurately and immediately, and should understand exactly what you mean, even if it is not what you actually said. It’s perfectly OK to get angry and physically aggressive – being you is a tough job, and your GP will understand this.
5 comments:
Hmmmmmmm. Do I detect just the teeniest, weeniest slightist hint of rampant sarcasm? Keep it up, cheesy.
8) Morbidly obese people: Don’t waste time in consultations by telling your GP that you ‘eat hardly anything’ and that ‘it’s your glands’ – he already knows this.
You want to make a deal with us fat people? Then stop wasting our time with your weight loss lecture (especially when we've come to see you with oh-so-relevant-to-weight things like flu, bunions, earache), and we won't waste your time by telling you things about our lifestyles you're not going to believe anyway because you're assuming you know all there is to know about our lifestyles just by looking at us.
Peanuts!
That's fair enough. I'm a bit of a salad dodger myself.
You forgot LISTS..
All Drs luuurve it if you write down all your problems first, but may not take you seriously unless you have at least 2 pages.
save anything important till the end, preferably as you are being forceable evicted from the room. it will add gravitas if you have been able to drag things out for at least 20mins by then.
Establish that extra special Dr/patient relationship from the outset by opening with “I tried to get an appointment with Dr Bailey but he was fully booked.” And, of course, don’t forget to end an entirely satisfactory consultation with “Thanks anyway.”
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